Thursday, December 1, 2016

diary for a teenage girl

(upbeat music) - so then billy franchaze asked me out and i was like, "as if." (laughing) - [mom] hey ladies, i've got some pizzabagels for your sleepover! fun, right? - [son] ah, mom! there ispepperoni on all of them. i cannot eat that, i am a vegetarian.

- well, since when? - since forever! you don't even know me. meat is murder. you get out! - i'll just leave them incase you change your mind. have fun girls! (girls chattering goodbye) - i love all animals!

it's just my thing, i guess. (dog barking) blondi! - oh my god, what a cute puppy! (kissing) - [hitler] blondi is likemy best, favorite friend. sorry ladies, but hesleeps with me every night. - [friend] oh, hitler! did you get into mrs. davis' art class?

- no. but like, i didn't evenwant to get into it anyway. i thought it would stifle my creativity. - you're honestly, already so good. i wish i was as good as you. - yeah, that would be cool. oh, i have the best idea ever! let's have ourselves a seance. (clapping)

i'm just, like, very muchinto the occult right now. i've given up on church. it's just, like, complete bullshit. (ominous music) okay, okay focus our energies, alright. spirits will i be famous? yes! yes i knew it! goddammit, i knew it!

- yes! - you know, honestly, i was thinking about dropping out of school completely. no one understands me. my struggle is so hard. (dramatic music) i think i best explainit in an excerpt from ... oh no, my diary! - [boy] looking for this, hitler?

- you little fuck, give that back! - german austria must be restored to the great german motherland, ooh! - stop it! get out of my room! - this used to be my room! - i needed it for an evil plan! i have a lot of stuff. - not fair! mom, why does hitler get the bigger room?!

- such a buttfucker. i am so embarrassed. i wish i could travel back in time and kill myself as a baby. (girls gasping) - [friend] oh, hitler! don't say that! you'll never not be cool. - yeah? you girls are the best thinga hitler could ask for.

bring it in! (phone chiming) oh, hold on! i've got to take this. - [friend #2] oh no, hitler! are you hanging out with stalin again? he's so hot and cold. - shut up! i don't even like him. i'm just using him to get to poland.

(girls squealing) - good, because you're better than him. - yeah. - honestly, i feel likei'm better than everyone. right? - right? - right. - hi, i'm siobhan from collegehumor. click over here to subscribe

and click here for more fun stuff, ya filthy animals! i was abandoned in this office when i was 10 years old by my parents. i've only eaten pizzafor such a long time. i think i have scurvy?

No comments:

Post a Comment